Can't talk. I'm at the Tulsa Sheriff's office with a bunch of rednecks. I bet I'm the only one that voted for Obama.
I bet you're the only one who could read the ballott.
I just spent the last hour reading customer reviews on amazon.com for the book "it hurts when I poop." Send help.
i just sent this text using only my big toe
I don't even know what he looks like, all i've seen of him is his dick
the rest of him looks just as crooked
You probably havent been upstairs if you think that the microwave missing its door is bad
I'm not sure which is worse. The fact that I slept with him last night, or the fact that you did too.
If i ever have a kid with an outie i'm giving it up for adoption
Wondering when "babysitting" formed into "sleeping on the couch for five hours nursing a hangover and giving the kids Nyquil."
Her shirt said pass joints, not judgement. You're surprised she stole your wallet after?
For the sake of being nice I congratulated her and she replied with something along the lines of that I need to stay away from him and not touch him ever. I really wanted to be like "been there, done that" but my New Years resolution was to not start any cat fight over boys with small dicks before noon
It's like jay gatsby himself preordained that our genitals meet again.
Nothing like putting a Percocet up your nose because you spent your night drinking heavily and can't drink water to make you heavily reconsider your life choices
We literally laid down in the back of my car and had sex in a parking lot and it was in the top 3 best moral-less decisions I've made.
and i walked downstairs to find my brother using nunchucks, and making the appropriate noises. i simply asked "why"; his reply? "why the fuck do you think?". i love my family.
The only words I could make out were "Dicksmash McIroncock".
Randomize
