i kinda want to bang the mythbusters girl... i bet she's got a nice snapper
New high or new low? Cat walked into the bathroom while I was taking a #2, looked @ me, sneezed and walked out..
Why are we friends again?
Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
every time I worry about a career mistake, I remember Michelle Pfeiffer did Grease 2.
I just made this asian woman on the boardwalk that was giving 20 dollar massages upset after I asked her if a happy ending comes with it.
I'm taking child development now so if you get pregnant i can raise your child no worries
Once you realized you couldn't finish the 30 you started walking down the street and leaving a beer in everyone's mailbox
If there was a saddle on his sack, she would ride it.
Might be time to reevaluate my life. Banned from red roofs inns. Apparently I puked in ice machine. 3 hotels in a year.
You're the only one to love me enough for me to admit the following: Rock-bottom sounds like sobbing to a Miley Cyrus song.
When do you sleep by the way. I was surprised when I went to work at 1 am,left at 7 am and had a text from you somewhere in between
I just vodka nap now...
I had a dream I got back with Amanda. And then cheated on her the same day. Even my conscious is a dick
I'm gonna write a book entitled "when you give a cop a cookie..."
I don't even want to know.
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
We've been together for 10 months. These next 2 may be a deal breaker. He has not met the summertime version of me that is so hungover today that I cancelled a meeting with my boss right after she sent me an appreciation note saying I have great work ethic. I have her fooled.
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