I was taking a piss and started puking. I pissed myself and made a mess in the bathroom. Passed out, then got up and went back out from 11pm to 5am.
I changed 4 diapers and slept horribly in our hot apt. Now, I'm at my inlaws house watching the Rangers get pummeled. Oh how our lives differ.
Do you not remember dry humping your dog for 20 minutes at oxfest dude?
I just told the 2nd grade class leprechauns are the children of midgets.
This Casey James character from American Idol is really gonna mess up my sex life.
Or maybe the fact that you know who Casey James is will be what messes up your sex life.
How did your new apartment party go last night?
I'm really happy i have a bigger bathroom to puke in.
they wouldn't let me take the pitcher of beer on the ferris wheel
Just pulled back my covers. Jizz. Jizz everywhere. Hipster jizz everywhere on my only set of sheets.
Martha Stewart has had a one night stand and is unsure if she's had a threesome. I no longer feel slutty.
I take pride in being a married 31 year old who sleeps on her best friend's bathroom floor from time to time.
Dude, there are some things that you can't un-see. Her, beached on a dog bed, is one of them.
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
But the real reason your aunt is drunk crying is because she has already had four margs and went for a 5th and someone is trying to stop her
He’s over 6 feet has amazing posture and went to Harvard and has an awesome job and a great dick and loves Jesus and is an organ donor
Is this the guy you have listed as free food in your phone
Noooo he’s listed as free food #5
The weirdest part of it all was wondering if I was going to take off his fanny pack or he was before we fucked
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