Id settle for living inside the pirates of the carribean ride.
I'm in that akward stage between jailbait and cougar
KATE. I JUST NOTICED THAT LOWERCASE D'S LOOK LIKE SLIPPERS.
What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
Just coerced a Santa to buy me a handle. Tis the season.
you covered his dog in toothpaste. safe to say hes not gonna call you.
Your grammar in that last text message was so awful.. My vagina wants to go crawl in a hole, and never speak to you again.
She stopped laughing and kind of stared at the wall for a while. Then she did 3 somersaults and said she saw jesus. This weed is fucking fantastic.
Dude, if I don't end up wearing a banana suit in Milwaukee, I will consider that trip a complete failure.
Dude, you went to another fraternity's formal as a joke and came home with one of their dates. AND you managed to get her number. Please explain to me how that's not a good night.
I don't think that calm, have their shit together people actually exist.
Just watched a girl lose her dignity at the corner...it's not even midnight
so in addition to the two guys I slept with last night, and the third that I turned down this morning, a fourth has appeared. best Valentine's Day ever.
His mom let me come to his house for a Booty call at 4am. She even cooked us breakfast in the morning and told me im a better moaner than his girlfriend of 4yrs.
i'm at work, alone, drinking a spiced chai & fireball hot toddy. holiday OT isn't that bad after all.
Randomize
