he yelled at me for calling the fat girl fat. if I can't call out fat girls to my brother who do i have?
These hangoverless Sunday mornings are becoming too regular.
Remembering I sold my brand new Blackberry to a stranger for a few pints = Worst night of my life. Now to work out what I did with my shoes.
I will refer to it as the penis of glory... he fucked me for 3 and a half hours - and all he needed was a 5 minute power nap in the middle (which he took WHILE INSIDE ME). I plan on staying with him forever
Just dodged a state trooper, your weed will be there shortly. Fear the unbustable!
I will turn myself into a beacon of get at me bro
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
You had sex with a guy who has a purple beard last night. No Molly for a while, ok?
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
Literally breaking up to my boyfriend while jamming out to Feraglicious
I'm pretty sure the rest of my evening will consist of masturbating, drinking tequila and watching children's movies.
Just did coke off my highschool yearbook. Not much has changed in 5 years.
If I ever say "I'm never drinking again" just hand me a bottle of jack. I'll snap out of it.
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
Had to trim my nails cus they got too long to effectively finger myself with
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