so I woke up and found tortilla in my belly button
Not cool at all. Last night I organized my condoms by expiration date. I need to get laid.
You coming home soon, man?
HENBARSCLOSE
After she lost the bet I made her get on one knee so she could "Te-blow me"
Well if you're drunk enough to make some mistakes this week I'd be down to redeem myself for my poor performance.
I was too drunk to remember throwing up so i probably didn't learn my lesson
Only thig bad about that muscular chick from the gym is she liked it so rough I had to bust out a few wrestling moves from highschool
She invited me to Bikini Yoga with her friends. Sounds promising.
I ate mushroom chocolates & went to the botanical gardens for Christmas. HAPPY FUCKING HOLIDAYS
drinks after work?
that question mark offends me.
he's so sweet and its so cute. but I swear to fuck if I let my guard down and this was all a lie I am going to become a serial killer.
I wanted to say "you're a souless cunt" but in a nice way. So I added a smiley face.
Like seriously how stupid drunk do you have to get befor you start finding dolphin lighters and shit in your undergarments
Taking a walk while tripping face during Halloween time was a bad idea. I started crying bc I was so scared and hide in the parks playground.
Are we allowed to ho on the roof?
Randomize
