I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
he said i was chugging vodka in the parking lot, gave my # to a married man, started a food fight, and passed out at the bar. how could he NOT consider that a good first date???
We tried to play doctor all sexually then he was taking down my 'symptoms' I said I needed to puke he thought it was part of the game
Just found a ramen cup in the stall and all of the showers running with no one in them. WHERE ARE YOU?
its the kind of pain that only someone with a fucking elephant on their head would understand. I'm never drinking again.
Any clothing i put on is too many clothes.
I just had a great idea for an etsy shop. Sell all the shit bitches leave from one nighters
The port-o-potty that I peed in last night didn't actually have a toilet in it. And i never told anyone until this moment.
Apparently it's not a "bonding moment" when you realize you use the same porn site as your boyfriend
I found one of those wine glass confetti bits in my ass crack.
Dollars spent: $83, Girls kissed: 4, Girls slept with:2, Girls currently making me breakfast: 1, Fucks given: 0
My mom just asked me about the teeth marks on my headboard..
This will never work. His dick is smaller than mine.
Wow. And yours is kind of small.
RIGHT?
Um. I just realized I still have a beer in my purse from last night. I'm at work. I am so classy.
Why are there naked heterosexuals in my apartment?
Randomize
