why the fuck does my google maps say i'm in punjab?!?!? u think it has to do with like...outsourcing?
Most of the time people just stick whatever they want in my mouth. Thanks for letting me decide this time
He won't talk to me. He'll only communicate using scissors
We welcome drunken adversity.
With open legs.
bro, sorry for: trying to put you on fire yesterday, telling the bouncer that it was you that broke the bottles, and to have slept with your sister.
Clearly that person doesn't understand how efficient getting drunk and working out at the same time is.
Faking my way through an entire party as a British exchange student. Wish me luck.
I woke up at 4am on the floor covered in olive oil and fire extinguisher powder but all I wanted to know was where the rest of my booze was at.
The drunk people on this bus are singing Journey songs. This is the whitest thing I've ever experienced
The entire state will know me by my boobs.
I tried to order champagne at IHOP last night
She picked me up from the bar in her underwear.
Are you saying being a wizard and going to hogwarts wouldn't be life changing, believe in magic you fucking muggle
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
Found my bra in the fridge. See you in 10 mins. It's gonna be a good fuckin day!
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