Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
Ok forget what i said about christmas break being awful. Chasing shots with fudge
he just called me skinny, hes either trying to get laid, or i'm going to have to marry this man
Fat spanish girl grinding against air conditioner. ive seen everything now
apparently the dude across the street has been dead for like a month. now I feel bad about pissing on his lawn
I would do laundry with you but I vaguely remember swallowing all my quarters last night as some kind of trick.
i left after you tried to balance a shot of tequila on your head while screaming at the bar tender that you fucked his girlfriend
it was good sex until i became a rubber doll and he became a jack hammer, so i guess overall it was good
There's a naked man in my car right now.
There is not enough whiskey in the world to get me through what happened on Pretty Little Liars tonight.
First world problems.
woke up and somehow me leather belt got torn in half. either we partied with the hulk or some chick just could not wait to see my dick. probably the former tho
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
Randomize
