I showed him my bush... on skype.
Dude it was awful. I woke up with more strippers in my dorm room than those duke lacrosse kids.
And next time, don't pick a fight with me when you're naked. That's just not fair
Someone's playing Limp Bizkit out loud on the train. I think the decade reset it self.
At the end of the white elephant exchange, our professor had a big black dildo around her neck and I won a full body dinosaur suit. I could die tomorrow with no regrets.
Thanks for not locking your door. I had to pee and there was a random person throwing up in my bathroom so I used yours. \nPS I stole your soap
BURNT NIPPLES ARE UNHAPPY NIPPLES.
It's 4/20 of course I'm going to smoke in the portapotty and be ripped outta my mind at the lung cancer walk.
I have to take tonight off from shenanigans. My liver is planning a coup
I'd like to thank you for ensuring I didn't die. Id also like to show you the most impressive bruise you will perhaps ever see
i refuse to take responsibility for eating Chuck E Cheese pizza and having any other repercussions than the shits.
I made soup. Now I'm having post soup making wine. I had pre soup making wine also.
How was it?
i think i smell bacon but im to sore to walk downstairs. that kinda night
Woke up went to work ate beef after three year hiatus shat my pants went to bed
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
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