She made me repeat after her: "I take responsibility for what I put in my own mouth."
my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
Vaginas are confusing as hell with all their secret compartments and shit.
I'll get my vaginal cartography poster.
There are 9 condoms on my bed either i met the greatest girl ever last night or something horrible has happened.
When he gets asked "is it in?" more than his name you arent missing out on much more than a petite tampon.
You woke me up at 2 am to tell me I could pee in a golf club if I wanted to.
This amicable friendliness is dull. We either need to start fighting or fucking around. I'll even let you pick.
The beer bottle was sticking out of your zipper and you shook it onto unsuspecting patrons
I had the hottest doctor assess me at the hospital. He smelled like heaven and sex.
There are far too many naked dudes in your apartment, and they aren't even watching porn. I mean seriously, they've got the Lion King on.
I'm drinking apple juice and champagne while watching crossroads..like the classy bitch that i am.
it wasnt that bad
you tried to climb into my fireplace while screaming TO DIAGON ALLEY! we didnt even watch harry potter. it was bad
Started dabbing in blow again because he always hated that I did it. Yuh I’m doing drugs but at least I’m doing me?
Alcohol. Making me feel good about myself since 2008
Randomize
