I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
It's almost summer. We need to start reconnecting with our home drug dealers.
are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
Well, I'm eating cake, watching wedding videos of people I don't know, and crying. Clearly I'm a vision of mental health today
Just violated the laws of fuck-buddyship and talked to him about my personal life. I don't like it.
I think I've reached that age where I should start dating "congrats" and not "are you keeping it?"
Def walking back to my apt with a blender, an empty vodka bottle, and a half eAtn drumstick cone.
Just saw the stripper pole on the road that we threw out of the party bus last night
I'm just gonna plan on never getting a bf. everything I touch turns to gay
Dude. If I met a dinosaur right now. we'd totally be on the same page. Brainwaves and shit.
I have to masturbate tonight while watching every Paul Walker movie ever made. It's what he would have wanted. RIP Paul.
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
Oh man. I am high, watching The Office and getting pancakes. What a country.
Almost lost a vagina lip in the great shave of '16
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
Randomize
