HIV tests are more positive than that guy
She punched me in the face after i pulled it out and grabbed my cell phone. Ill be the one hiding in the bushes with one shoe.
i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
The vibrator you gave me is probably the one thing I will never give up if we got robbed at gunpoint
He was the drug dealer that jumped out of his car to get my number
Dude, it's the frankincense and myrrh soap. Smelling like baby Jesus will get you laid.
I have a sixth sense for large penises and lack of morals
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
i just woke up, first off why is there pineapple everywhere and who's underwear is on my ceiling fan ?
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
I walked in on a circlejerk after punching that guy out. Instant karma.
True I am eskimo brothers with every one of my room mates, but it was only two girls. And 9 outta 10 times I was first
I just realized now that I slept with him while he was still wearing the maid costume... I've reached a new level of sexual freakness.
so i went over to her house and we played crash bandicoot, ate calzones, and had sex all day. im in love.
She put her coat on went to leave and called me an asshole. I responded with "I never said I wasn't" and then she pounced on me like a cat on cat nip.
Randomize
