I think I tried picking up these girls last night by asking them what their favorite color was...I obviously woke up alone
I bet Jafar would keep his hat on during
I really think my ability to vom without making noise mmight be my most useful talent
I assumed she put out when I heard her friend call her "dickbutt"
just saw bouncers outside a coffee shop. beginning to question humanity.
I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
So we sucessfully lit our bathtub on fire. Thought you should know.
Don't ask how or why, but I think the 775 on the inside of my lip is permanent
I can feel my liver begging me to stop.
I need to reevaluate. My boss gave me drug money. I overslept on my couch. And I had my student teacher go to McDonald's and get an egg mcmuffin for me.
Maybe. I want to have sex at the fire station, most likely on one of the trucks. I wonder if I can finagle that before I tire of the spelling and grammatical errors in his texts.
My mom said she saw you at the grocery store. Said you looked like you were "headed for a Lindsay Lohan quarter life crisis of sorts"
bring the pregnancy test and the margarita mix, see you in 15
So the bar crawl I'm on is a "90s bar crawl" and I made the joke about a few overweight girls that "lack of concern for your weight is so 90s" it did not end well
he was wearing a pyjama shirt under a dress shirt under a hoodie under a robe under a rain poncho the man was prepared for anything
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