So I went outside my house this morning and basically my entire front lawn is covered in gummi bears... I think that involves you guys.
On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
We're going to play a drinking game. It's called "Senior Year of College."
He tricked me...the first song on his sex mix was trey songz but the rest were techno....i can't walk straight now
We invented "Diesel Bombs." They're supposed to be a bomb, but they come in a 20+ oz. glass and have a blackout record of 6 wins and 0 losses. Undoubtedly going to be the next Muhammed Ali of the drinking world.
Im having a christmas reunion party tonight. Last year i ate my own contact. We'll see how this year goes
There's a black statue of liberty dancing on the side of the road. Please hold while I join him.
Ugh..Yesterday was a complete alcohol fueled shit show. Not making eye contact with anyone today. Don't deserve it. Eye contact is for decent people.
i wish i just like had a pee bag attached to me and i could just go whenever i want wherever i want
I'm really sorry that I blew your friend in your bed, but to be fair he started it.
Speaking of boners I learned how to say " jizz everywhere" in sign language
You're always so late and I'm always so drunk.
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
how do i say "cradle the balls" in Italian
eating a weed cupcake with nutella on top at work. i AM a star!
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