I'm pretty sure that he just gave me the ginger disease
In less than 3 minutes we had 3 security guards running after us
Remember that time I tried to pierce your nipples while high... it's like that, only with more blood... and less nipples
We were fucking at break-dick speeds.
I was just informed that I have the perfect belly button for body shots... Best compliment ever.
we came into the house to find you doing shots by your self and when we told you to stop you locked yourself in the bathroom...
did I at least say anything...
you meowed at us and said you're a cat and cats drink for a living
Ok so last thing I remember was hugging a cop while vomiting
People were staring and acting all judgmental and offended... Like they've never seen anyone breastfeed in a liquor store.
Fucked her on the patio while some dude drove by on a mower. He waved. Twice.
haha it's ok, I asked people. I was like "I'm high and lost" and the dude just said "That's my life. Love it."
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
Whatever you have to do, STALL THEM. Your toothbrush is in the kitchen, my pants are on the balcony, and I don't have eyebrows.
I'm definitely single now but she stole my mailbox
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
Dear Douchebag, I would just like to formally issue this fuck you. You will be receiving a letter in the mail soon. With all of your stuff.
Randomize
