And that's when I found out that Patrick wasn't in fact down with O.P.P.
You should really trust me on this one. "hit it and quit it" might not be the best career move on your part...
I almost bumped into a man wrapped only in a blanket at 10 am
We fed him just...so many bright colored crayons when he was blacked out. I hope he looks at his shits because this could be all for nothing
Dude, chad is laying across the room, violently, passionately, pornographicly eating something and I seriously think the 'some thing' is fighting back.
I'm home alone drinking wine, so high, scrubbing my house down... This is what my thirsty thursday has become
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
Do you know how many guys' fantasies I've been told I'm a part of lately?!
Just 2. But still.
Power lunch with dad, pain pills and tequila shots. Dad does Monday hard.
Woke up this morning with girl, I ask her for some gum. She says "there's a guest toothbrush for the boys in my bathroom". I can't decide whats worse, that she has a shack brush or that I actually used it
I was trying to sext but got a notification that my dad and professor both commented on my Facebook photo. Bad timing.
First non virgin Sunday. Bursts into flames.
He can move his dick. Like on its own. WHY DID I NOT GIVE BLOWJOBS BEFORE?!
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
Don’t be alarmed my pee bowl is in your shower
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