You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
she tasted like a mixture of sweat and destiny
I couldnt find her vag and just started laughing uncontrollably. She was not pleased. Neither was i.
If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
about to get into a hot tub with three cops. this cant go well
She used the introduce me to her roommates so she could find out my name trick the next morning..I may be in love.
Well sundance is in town and Im going to use my one and only shot to bang Taylor swift... Does it count as a random if shes famous?
My only downfall is that I can only take shots in twos.
I cannot be this high in this house. This house has so many of my secrets in its walls.
this is what happens when you pick a roommate a year in advance.. she ends up hating you for hooking up with for of her extended family members
I was originally going to go as fembot from Austin Powers
I wanted to have tiny guns for tits
So apparently having sex with your co-worker in the bathroom at the staff party can get you fired.
Dude, never piss off a hungover boss.
NO ITS THAT IM A SEXUAL DEVIANT AND CANT FILTER MYSELF
In the officer's defense, I was indeed pantless at the time he cuffed me, but there's a perfectly good explanation.
Randomize
