I just put lube in Matt's bellybutton. He looks unhappy.
He IMed me 5 times, before my homepage even loaded. This is not gonna work out for me
just took my ibuprofen with ramen broth, yay college
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
know what the best part about malls are? standing on the upper level and boob gazing
he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
Nope, just sitting on the couch, eating an advent calendar, being depressed about the herps.
I wish they could condense everything I needed, nutritionally speaking, into mike and ikes
At least I got to make out with you a little before you proposed.
I JUST WATCHED PAULA DEEN PUT BUTTER IN HER BLOODY MARY. This is not a drill. Real life.
How frowned upon is it to take your vibrator into the tanning bed...because Operation: dripping wet is in full swing and I have a busy schedule
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
Things he's good at: oral sex and geometry. Things he's not good at: actual sex.
I knew you were cut off when you tried to order a "Phil Collins"
There better be alcohol at this child's birthday party. Seriously not trying to be entertained by a clown while I'm still sober.
Randomize
