listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
I should just throw a hundred dollar bill into the wind and walk away... save myself the hangover.
I mean I'm basically single. Or maybe just an asshole. Either way.
i cleaned out my closet and found 7 beers from 2007. ive had 3 so far.
you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it
youre the best friend ever
They're giving me a hotel, and this chick doesn't have a place to stay for the night... I swear this is how real life Porno starts.
Saying we were separated at birth, got on a ship and sailed here via onion barrel from Somalia didn't help our case at all....
Once two people had broken bones it had become a bulk hospital trip so we took the party bus
I mean thanks for the bj but i wanna forget everything that happened last night between 11 and 5
Drunkenly tried to auction off Merik's pancakes at Ihop. Apparently I make a great auctioneer. Also, no one wants 30 cent pancakes.
This is classic penis vs brain.
I tried eating pop-rocks while giving him a bj, I honestly think I was more disappointed with the results than he was.
That's too much drama for once a month dick... that's in-house dick drama only
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
Must lick fork, like it's a DICK
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