I just puked in the mop bucket at work. I think I need to go home.
I saw the video from Saturday. So, how much did I drink for me to think I was a duck and strip my clothes?
My mom said "I don't want to fund your drug problem" so she gave me a gift card to the book store. I now have a 420 page book on growing weed.
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
She started howling at the moon. That was pretty much the deal breaker.
I say this as a friend, you would make a SPECTACULAR crossdresser
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
It's truly amazing how much porn I can get in while my phones at 1% battery life.
she keeps dunkaroos and gatorade in her bed. yep pretty sure im in love.
Haha it's harder than you'd think to come up with ways to turn your penis into a Christmas drawing
Dude I'm hungover as fuck in a bed in Baltimore with another man... I don't think I can make it.
I walked out ot my car in the morning thinking there was a sandwich I left there from yesterday. Then later that day I was checking the mail and saw the other side of my car :/
It concerns me the most that u were potentially going to eat a day old car sandwich.
Lost my pants last night. Really need to stop taking shots of whiskey like I'm eating skittles.
Listen, i know this is weird for you, but as your fuck buddy, id prefer if you didnt fuck her.
Youre asking too much from me
Get your heels and tits on! I’m not wasting a Brazilian because his fucking kid ate paste or Legos and ruined an afternoon suite sex and room service
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