he also called and said i only cheated on you 8 times but they were all trannies
and someone in the background yelling "one was fat so that counts as one and a half"
According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
filling out my bracket based on schools with ppl I've hooked up with
I'm drinking carlo rossi straight from the jug. I don't have any clean cups...how am I still at this point in my life...
I wouldn't have puked last night if I didn't inhale straight pepper from you shattering the pepper shaker on the wall.
you haven't really lived until you are in a situation where your vagina is hanging out
You just kept stroking his beard and thinking aloud that you wanted to rub your face all over it.
Living a little to me does not involve choreographed Michael Jackson songs
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
Was just messaged by someone in a Power Ranger suit on OkCupid... Figured you would approve
He referred to our sex as "an Olympic event." My tits are bruised.
I don't care. We're going to fuck. And I WONT apologize in the morning. You cheated on me, so you can cheat on her with me.
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
you started putting peanut butter on your pubes.
Randomize
