nothing tight i'm going to stuff myself with food and alchy
I would like to thank collapsed soviet republics and fathers who didnt show enough attention for tonight's festivities
Did u pay ur friends to not make fun of me?
my boss said she was surprised to see me this morning. i told her there's a time in a girls life she has to give up day drinking in order to make money for next weekend's alcohol. she looked so proud, i think i might get a raise.
I dont know why people are racist. Both the mexicans and the irish gave us holidays where everyone drinks on a wednesday.
If people don't want my drunken phone call then TAKE YOUR FUCKING NUMER OFF OF FACEBOOK, like it's just that easy...
My number one goal in life is to find out who can fill a keg with Popov
How do I tell my child he was conceived on a barstool in South Alabama?
Why is there a chocalet milkshake outside our front door?
Alcohol
I like how she'll post a picture on Instagram with her boyfriend and 2 hours later you'll send me a snap of her panties on your rear view mirror
Are you planning on wandering into construction sites drunk and falling down 6' holes?
probably
I'm deleting Tinder. I got there he rubbed my back and then proceeded to jerk off on me.
I hope I didn’t eat too many edibles just now. I got shit to do today. Like make Jell-O shots and take a shower.
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
Randomize
