god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
Sponge bath it is.
I plan on offering nudes to any guy that wants to give me notes from the past five weeks of class
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
A guy with no shirt on and a eyepatch just got out of the car beside me. After he slammed his door into mine. This is our hometown.
Do you think I can wear the dress I went to jail in with the shoes I went to prom in to the wedding tonight?
I have been drinking since 2. And I'm now chasing the cat around the house with a light saber. Anna's helping.
Friends don't let friends drunk sleep in the dorm common room
Judging by your snapchat you're totally working on your project and definitely not singing, "The Sign" while shirtless with another man.
I can control the tv with my phone while pooping on the second floor. I thought you should know for future reference
I went to BBQ fest on Wednesday and came home wearing a different shirt, so I think I did some good damage.
We're gonna have to check the security cameras after last night
He's gonna fuck me, then his girlfriend is going to come over and fuck me in front of him. And they're smoking me out. Happy birthday to ME
Randomize
