I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
She celebrated a negative pregnancy test by going out to Quizno's. I really don't understand her at all.
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
Do you think we're allowed to sign male strippers into the building with a valid id?
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
You can do it. What doesn't kill us just drives us to drink
Can one of you do me a favor? Light a match and throw it into my room. Bc I'm certain I would rather be burned to death than live in this hell I call my life
I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL?
her spring break bucket list included "break into The Swamp, blow him where Tebow has Tebowed"
Awkwardly walking by your fuck buddy and waving a casual hi in his direction like nothing has happened is probably the best thing in my life
She mentions her boyfriend one more time, I'm taking her home and breaking that shit up.
we found her. shes in the bathtub full of raw pasta. i dont even know...
Damn that sucks I haven't needed pants the whole time i've been here
New one isn't as good asmy ex. She won't put her tongue up my butt
Peter this is your "ex"
I stand by what i said
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