bet u 5 dollars u can't guess were i woke up this morning
oh god.. jail?
better, on the catwalk of the auditorium
you passed out on the bathroom floor with the door locked. we had to break in and no one was sober enough to move you so they just threw a towel on you and stepped over you
I think the puke all over the side of my car actually improves its appearance.
Lost my virginity in a banana suit. Glad I waited.
I wanna get shitfaced and yell about Tim tebow
doing shots of $6 a bottle whiskey and chasing it with milk. my own personal way of saying fuck life.
All I remember is laying in that secret hideaway closet, naked, with a beer cowboy hat on and you walking in and sitting down crying because no one would have sex with you
He just made my one night stand pancakes for breakfast. And I thought living with my ex was going to be weird.
I almost tased myself
I dont think you should own that device.
It's an awesome device. I love this device.
What is my life coming to that I have to cross state lines to get laid?
Just woke up and read the text that drunk me sent you, i take it all back, and you can't have my power puff girl pillow either.
I woke up in his closet, with my shirt inside out and backwards, Rolos in my hand, a tortilla with a face carved into it stuck to the fridge with a magnet, a homemade bong next to the bed, and the door off the hinges... I need a chaperone.
You pee in parking lots....i drive home naked.....thats the american dream i was promised
The REAL engagement ring is the jeweled butt plug.
He is farting the alphabet right now. In the goddamned restaurant. You don't get to recommend men anymore. Or restaurants for that matter.
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