I lost my shoes and bra and was beyond mapquesting
I was wrong being drunk doesn't make accounting more interesting
I've been here 20 minutes and some creepy old man told me he wanted to know what my insides felt like. I hate gay bars.
I feel uncockblockable...banged her in the bathroom with my iv still in
You do realize there's a subtle difference between not remembering your outfit from april 17th of last year vs forgetting that last night you undressed in the street and were grabbing every dick you could reach, right?
Nothing like puking into an empty cooler at a red light on the way to get plan b.
Pretty sure he sprained my tongue. This is why you don't hook up with gingers.
the night probably should have been over when the guy let her fill out my mechanical bull waver for me because i couldn't read
When a guy wants to eat something off you and then comes back with microwaved strudel and custard, back the fuck out. I have apple-chunk burns on my tits.
I took your mattress from your bed. Don't ask questions. Love you. See ya later.
I kept resisting the urge to yell "2 for 2!" so they could hear me on the other side of the wall.
And suddenly....Tubas. Tubas everywhere.
YOU TRIED TO SWIM IN HER FISHTANK. I don't think she's going to call you.
I just had to explain to an 70+ year old lady what 'coitus' was. This was not in my job description.
Chicks dig it when you smell like bong water and frebreeze.
Randomize
