Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
It's a sad day when you realize you are no longer above fucking in movie theater bathrooms.
I feel like I would bang a guy with a dick piercing just to say I have...like climbing a huge mountain or somethig
Would love to except that I crashed into a hearse in a funeral procession about an hour ago so I think that pretty much put an end to my day.
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
We forgot to go back and get the brick YOU WANTED TO BRING INTO THE BAR?
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
Are you coming to class or was the dick pic this morning your way of saying not today?
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
I'm glad you don't care about kids. That's one of your better qualities.
when you wake up naked in a bed with glowsticks, a rolled ankle, a hangover, and a condom; alone. you wonder shit
How was the party
I came home with only one shoe, a t shirt tied around my shoeless foot and I was covered in motor oil. Oh and my shorts were inside out. So you tell me
Theres a woman here with grey hair that im pretty sure i would have sex with
you never know when your going to find a surprise from me in your bed...it keeps you on your toes.
I learned the hard way a garbage bag will not save you when jumping from a tree at 2am
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