In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
You tried to wear your Jesus costume into Family Christian stores and say it was a book signing.
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
It got to the point that I had to make flashcards with their name on the front and dick pics on the back.
Btw...I puked in my hand last night and threw it on the floor. Don't let me do tequila ever again.
Yeah man i woke up and only had a Jimmy John's wrapper covering myself..
did you know the cops in wilco have clean up kits in their cars for when people puke in them? i found this out this morning. i'm finishing paperwork now. come get me plz?
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
oh man that would be weird.. i feel like we should do dirty things before anything super intimate like a massage.
I might be offended if you don't bang me tomorrow. You know, for America.
Last time I "ran into him" I ended up with the clap and had to explain why the ladder was missing from the garage.
Thx for last night. I've never had so much fun while being told my life decisions are questionable at best.
It's not even noon yet and I just fucked my professor's son in the psych lab..it's gonna be a great day.
Drunk twilight is the only twilight
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