he started yelling "this is my pussy" mid thrust
I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
you know you made it when your beer pong table is made from imported italian hardwood
I literally had to tap out of the blow job. It was like a pornographic wrestling match
I made this pact with my vagina, though. No more heartless fuckery.
I'm amazed your boyfriend is still with you, how do you manage to pee on him while he is holding you in his lap?
Awkward moment: seeing and saying hey to the MILF you're sleeping with while shopping with your mother and sister.
After a long night of drunk sexting I have to the ninja roll at the front door to see who showed up.
We should drive around in your Jeep on snow days and get stoned while we help random strangers stuck in the snow. So much good karma.
My pants are like a grocery bag containing ONLY jelly beans right now.
I haven't been hungover in so long I'm actually looking forward to it
Trying to take a nap and my brain decides to play "lets have flashbacks every time you blew it with a chick in college". It's a montage of stupidity and youthful inexperience. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
I don't think I bit anyone but I woke up to scrapes knees, bruises and new friends.
I dunno. The drunker I get, the easier econ gets. I may be onto something here.
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
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