It is obvious to me now why clam chowder & beer aren't a good combo.
How do you tell if you're on the terrorist watch list?
Hey I never found my wallet but i did find a bag of 14 soft taco supremes
I have your wallet. Trade you for the tacos.
All he wants to do is masturbate while I sit there with my big toe up his ass that is not even the worst part of it.
Too drunk to talk to museum staff. So much for proper wednesdays
My garbage can has nothing in it besides condoms and candy wrappers. That's good garbage.
Just go read my twitter... There's a play by play. It starts with a penis pump
He came to my Harry Potter marathon wearing a Hogwarts uniform. Of course I fucked him.
I think I'm destined to be the stoner version of one of those successful but emotionally unavailable characters Sandra Bullock always plays in movies
So I think I've successful blown my foot off in a way that's going to make you call me an idiot.
Okay so I just had a really great idea
no.
The more time I spend surrounded by Mormons, the more I miss alcohol.
my ex finally blocked me on all social media and tbh I'm only pissed because his roomate just got a puppy
Dude come over...were drunk and I'm holding a T-shirt gun and discovered beer cans are the same size as rolled shirts.
I think I accidentally got a sugar daddy but I was already planning on sleeping with him so I’m going to see where this goes
Randomize
