i was just at lovers lane looking for gifts for a bachelorette party.....with my mom
Trust me, I wear more condoms than socks. I wouldn't risk infecting my cock. It's my livelyhood.
i have a $600 bill for my ER visit in which they did nothing but suggest to me that i am an alcoholic.
I really hope he dies in a tragic kegstand mishap
she was talking at me constantly for like 20mins. i kept praying for a brain hernia but it kept not happening...
You may see me wearing your shirt to class. It's because I still have the spins and I'm anticipating throwing up on it. Asshole.
Star Trek does not adequately answer all the questions that I have about alien genitals
Then. Omg he showed me A CARD TRICK AFTER WE CAME
I think someone cast a spell on the lazy stoner rich boy stereotype and it came to life and called me.
Woke up this morning with fake blood all over my bed which is a positive considering last year it was all real blood
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
Tell him to put up or shut up. Can't be dangling dick in front of ho's without delivering.
It's just disrespectful
Beer and Reeses. dinner of champions
I had a dream that you were telling me how good you are at parkour and legit you were doing it just like Michael Scott...
He had me sit on his face until I begged him to stop, then held me there 5 minutes longer. I rested my head on his chest, told him I needed time to recover....and slept for 6 hours. By the time I woke, he was already at work. I just sent him a countdown times until his shift is over.
Randomize
