There is a half eaten corn dog and soy sauce on the counter... WTF did you eat last night??
today was the first day of rush. talking to girls all day makes me sick of having a uterus.
I'm heating up a hotdog using a candle.
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
I'm trying to make a sex playlist
record yourself crying and put it on a loop.
Somebody found our where I was and called the bar looking for me. When the bartender called my name I finished my beer and took off like a fugitive.
Remember when there was a happier time when people could all hang out together with out the awkwardness of the fact that she stole $1000 and cheated on a brother with another brother !?!??
were facing impending death from north korea and were sitting here snorting tylenol to get high.....where did our lives go wrong?
Grindr hookup awareness: always make sure that you agree to blow one person and they aren't bringing a Friend/boyfriend. Shits weird when you're sober.
I got his number because he was "impressed with how much I could handle"...I was chasing shots with Olive Garden breadsticks...
We can't do acid Disneyworld.
Who brings nunchucks to a funeral?
We got cut off at a bar at 4pm. We aren't human
I threw up in 4 different Starbucks across the city before 9 am.
If I slept with her my dick would come out glittery
coward.
Randomize
