Pooping in your heated bathroom to the sound of rain and instrumental guitar might be the greatest experience ever.
I wanna get FUCKED up and fail the piss test at my eval so they send me to detox and give me suboxone... Is that bad?
a cemetary is a place for people to rest in peace and you just spermed all over their land
I will never underestimate my ability to drunken ramble. At one point last night i think i was talking about hieroglyphics
i was told that i was found face down in a plate of ketchup at the dinner table
we managed to turn Dream Phone into a drinking game. don't hate.
I smell like booze and the valet literally buckled me in, def top 3 walks of shame
So you met him?
More like I walked in on him, drunk, naked, and doing "bathtub yoga". Please stop bringing your dates home.
A valentines day commercial would come on while I'm masturbating...
Terrible hangover + phoenix airport + pizza hut....I think I might have entered one of the levels of hell.
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
How is it??
I'm drinking Gatorade out of a champagne flute.
Oh well, he'll live. He has a hand and a penis.
Why is the microwave staring at me?!
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
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