ignore voicemail. the cock hath been unblocked.
Just mixed vicodin and mucinex. This cold just got fun.
This might be the most awkward night of my life. And I had someone pee on me once.
I'm going to call you, don't answer. Need to practice moaning to your answering machine again
He's a little cute, in a dorky, I-know-for-a-fact-his-cock-is-huge kind of way
This is the third time that ive slept with him. He bought me more milk. I can feel the romance growing.
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
Direct quote from her that tipped me off I was getting some: "I want to jump on his shoulders and wrap my legs around his face"
Our first order of business as new roommates was to test the sex acoustics of our rooms. I need a new box spring.
do you ever just look around and think about how great it is to have depth perception? Like it's really, really cool when u think about it
I just shotgunned a beer and my lipstic didnt BUDGE. MERICUHH
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
sex on acid sucks though, i want to connect with the universe not your dick.
He drank an entire six pack, past out on the guest bed, woke up around 4AM, lifted & dropped my leg, then peed on the corner of the bed. When I told him where he was pissing he said "it's all the same babe."
I just realized, you're dating a guy named Jameson. That is another level of whiskey dick.
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