Nothing says "I love you" like a full raw dog.
I'll probably hate you when I'm sober
Then we managed to set a grill and all 24lbs of meat on it on fire. I didn't help because I was filled with alcohol and extra flammable.
This could be one of the worst things i've done... The background of her phone is her and her boyfriend.
It was scary, we all screamed. Never make mimosas in a car.
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
Like not in a "I wanna have sex with you way" more like a "I wanna cuddle your mustache way"
Watching videos from last night and u go "I should be the president, I can get whatever I want w my tits"
New rule: I am no longer allowed to speak
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
We need to get you laid. Or i fear you might explode like a firework of sexual innuendos and unfulfilled erotic fantasies.
You put me in such a good mood with that road head, I bought everyone at Hooters donuts.
Are you still free tonight?
Oh shit I kinda forgot and took acid
I googled my name and pictures of you drinking showed up. Way to steal my thunder....
After he finished, he fell on the floor and whispered "finally satisfied"
My Dachshund waddled into the room carrying a rolled-up pad in her mouth with period blood. This day is clearly off to a good start.
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