I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
I'm buying this stripper a house, I don't care what her name is.
There's trophy wives that arent even in the 5th grade yet
after watching ten minutes of "the decision," I conclude that King Lebron has more influence on America than Barak Obama. I love our countries values.
i like to finish this college football season knowing that not once have I had to masturbate to erin andrews
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
Late night whataburger runs are great, except if you're the one that gets left black out drunk puking in the backyard drinking from the water hose
I'm just crazy horny about you
I feel like my dick pic collection should be archived at the Smithsonian
i just realized I haven't been laid all summer. So sad. What a waste of a perfectly good vagina.
It's decided. Tomorrow I'm getting a Big Mac and a Dildo
I realized it was late, and he was my brother in humanity and another incarnation of my own life force and consciousness, so I regained control of myself, thanked him for helping me, and went home.
I woke up at 3am, top off, with campus security telling me to get dressed. Tonight was a GOOD NIGHT
After the bar we stopped to Meijer where I found myself singing little mermaid while rubbing a pack of hotdogs on my face..
I can't be sure but I think I slept with a clown last night...
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