My sheets at my parents place are clean. No braveheart but I can paint myself, yell "freedom", and sword fight you with my cock. So come over.
He just posted pic of sad weiner and half a butt cheek. That is it. I HATE online dating.
its like the voldemort of pregnancies, we don't talk about it
"Shots" has been nominated for a grammy. Now all of the US has sunken to our level...
She looked like a pterodactyl.....but dude i love dinosaurs
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
I sang Jenna happy bday in the middle of throw up hurls
Hindsight is 20/20. Or a bladder infection.
What do you wear to apply at a strip club?
Somebody found our where I was and called the bar looking for me. When the bartender called my name I finished my beer and took off like a fugitive.
Easter bunny might get some gnarly munches and not even have enought candy left to hand out
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
Fun fact: nipples work on touch screens. Tell your friends :)
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