Currently standing on top of my parents leather couch with no pants on playing helicoptor with my penis. You?
Like if I don't roll around in my puke, the night will be a failure.
I'm hoping you can explain why I woke up with what I believe is pumpkin pie all over my body
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
Yup, totally tried cooking bacon in the dryer last night.
I am sitting here. Drinking from a bottle of vodka. Eating shredded cheese from a bag and waiting on him to pick me up after he finishes with his girlfriend. This is what dreams are made of.
Let's drink?
Just because it's bacon vodka doesn't mean it's for breakfast.
driving home I had the GPS in one hand and puking in the coffee cup
So no more sangria road trips?
Need your help. Dad's drunk and trying to build a still in the basement.
NM he's asleep in a pile of towels. They need to ease people back into Hockey Night in Canada.
Chipotle just hit me... I want to go sit in the corner of the shower and cry until morning.
Seriously, she had fingers that made me thank a god I don't even believe in that I'm gay.
I really thought I'd be the only alcoholic drinking alone in my car at noon in the Lowe's parking lot. Passed out dude in the car next to me begs to differ.
Her son walked in on us and asked if he could "wrestle too."
Now I have the opportunity to have Chris Pratt or Channing Tatum?!? What a time to be alive.
the twins are trying to figure out which one is the one doing body shots off a janitor in this picture
Randomize
