Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
She has 260 profile pics. In 260 she's ugly and in 255, she's making the peace sign with her hands...
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.
Well we're gonna drink when we get home and I just invited the cab driver to play beer pong
Being high is an amazing excuse. I was using him for the potential of a beret, come on. I'd do that sober.
How drunk are u on a scale of one to couldn't get it up if u had a gun at ur head?
I could barely talk to the cabbie and I was text bombing everyone. They need to make an auto timer app to prevent people like me from belligerent late night harrassing. And I was seeing double... Prob would have tried to give your leg a bj and then fallen down the stairs.
when I went into his room, he was sleeping on his stomach, almost as if to silently say, "you're not touching my dick tonight".
THEY SELL PREFROZEN MARGARITAS AND THEY COME WTH A STRAW. MY PRIORITIES ARE IN ORDER
Also, do you think i could get away with finishing my vodka cranberry from last night at work if i put orange juice in it? Serious question.
My sister's exploding appendix just cock blocked me...
Just for the record, I did not have sex in your bed. Happy 4th of July.
like I'd leave you in a situation like that..pfft. what kinda friend do you think I am?
...a stoned one.
I know her cup size but not her name....
Randomize
