fuck the hobbit
what about unicorns?
fuck those pointy horses
at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
i had to wake up at 4 am to do my laundry because I was afraid if I saw people in the laundry room they would judge me by the amount of clothes I had covered in vomit from syllabus week
As much as I'm all for laying on his living room couch, watching spongebob and having spoon sex, it's becoming a routine.
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
he is allergic to cats. we can only glue dog hair on him. otherwise he might die and i dont want to be responsible for that.
ahaha ok
let's call it "werewolfing"
fuck your need to drink for whitney a thousand times last night.
I made a bet with her that she would show me her tits if I finished my beer. Only on spring break.
I know how I'm going to make my fortune.. designing an icepack made specifically for the vagina.
After her AA meeting, she was on the phone with her mom, and when she said, "they're making me start over with Step 1," I quietly sang, "cut a hole in the box".
The "don't have sex with him again" alerts you set on my phone just started going off.
Good. "Seriously, don't do it" should start in about five minutes.
He stopped his car in the middle of ongoing traffic to ask me to marry him. Then he got pulled over. Yeah I'd say the slutty Dallas Cowboys costume was a success.
Your hotness may or may not have landed him in jail.
Omg one of the midgets from last night just added me to Facebook.
ARE YOU DEAD? TEXT Y FOR YES OR N FOR NO.
27 year olds can still do oral in a car right? Or is that trashy?
Randomize
