While sitting in bed naked eating ramen and watching the colbert report I realize why random sex happens.
No stitches, just platelets and will power
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
I can't believe i facilitated a beer for sweater vest deal last night...
You do realize there's a subtle difference between not remembering your outfit from april 17th of last year vs forgetting that last night you undressed in the street and were grabbing every dick you could reach, right?
I ran into the bouncer who kicked me out of that beach bar a few months ago. I told him I'd only been thrown out of two other places since then. He was proud.
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
For my birthday I want you to get me in bed with Donald Trump. That is all. You have 3 months
I should start wearing my Batman shirt more often when I drink. Good things happen. All sorts of shit.
No it was good. I serenaded the holding cell occupants with a fabulous rendition of Making Love out of Nothing at all. It was fucking amazing!
I resisted the urge to announce that it looks like a big crystal butt plug
Dude, you were tagged in a stripper FB selfie. That is a whole new level of something.....
Only my second night back in town and I already have drunk middle aged women doing the robot around me in a circle.
I just masturbated in the tanning bed stoned. Best decision of my life
You can't say that. Only if you have peed on the side of the highway in daylight while signing Christmas songs can you say that.
Randomize
