you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
Maybe I'll tuck it in and pretend to be a woman pretending to be a man that is attracted to women that are attracted to women who look like men
tagging him in all 73 close-ups of your cleavage might have been a little obvious.
Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.
You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
Bring my lunch to work in liquor store bags is doing nothing for my career
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
My google history shows every combination of "red lobster cheesy biscuits" possible.
When I look at old family photos I know how jessica simpson feels when she watches dukes of hazzard
With any luck I will spend the duration of this flight with my tray table up my seatbelt securely fastened and my face in his lap
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
I asked if he wanted to sext and he just started sending me pictures of his beard.
When your hungover saltines taste like hope...
look for me at the Giants game I will possibly be the drunk girl passed out by 2nd
Randomize
