I bet the first cavemant to make fire got so much pussy
just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
The musician playing at the bar just puked inside his acoustic guitar, then sang an encore performance. I love Louisa!!!!
Accidentally just signed something at work 'lotus flower' I need to keep my stripper life separate from real life.
I can hear my liver begging me not to go out tonight
At what point in your drunken state would you actually believe that the cops wanted to party with you?
He has a landing strip. I repeat he has shaven himself a landing strip. HELPPPP!
i looked down and was like "oh shit thats blood" then it was like "shit, thats not my blood." then it was like whos blood is this??
If there was a tv show called "True Life: My 58 Year Old Dad Rolls Better J's Than Me" I'd be on it.
I just found your ripped underwear on my chandelier. Care to explain?
I fucked her ex bc she fucked mine but now we're cool and I'm watching her dog this weekend
My roommate just threatened to kill me with my own pan. Can I ever get away from the crazies?!
Have you ever drank bourbon in your underwear while wearing a Santa hat and reflecting on the decisions of your life? Asking for a friend.
THERE'S MORE TO LIFE THAN JUST MISSIONARY
I actually talked to his parents last night about it. haha. I had a bottle of smirnoff in my hand, I'm sure they took me serious.
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