My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
I just gave my patient permission to swallow while pregnant. She was so embarrassed to ask...but her bf was really happy with the answer.
This soccer player girl is eating this banana WAY to slow. Too early for penis shaped foods.
I told him I'd have sex with him for fried cheese. Does that make me a hooker or just fat?
I swear, if he gets me a bowling ball for Christmas, I will throw it at him.
Need toilet paper. Napkins suck. Slowly running out of those two and the bleeding hasn't stopped. Your cat is next
Yes, I did know where her mouth had been, but frankly I think it was a lesson you needed to learn.
in my drunkeness I still was able to plan for the morning. I duck taped my keys, a water bottle full of mimosa and my cell phone to the front door.
Nothing like running into your favorite bartender in the middle of the afternoon while stone cold sober and being told your grabbed his penis the last time you were at his bar. My bad.
Because he's your one night stand I shouldn't feel obligated to extend social media to him
this night may include but is not limited to : police encounters, wild animals, stomach pumping, and waking up in a field
Wow i don't think I've had to send this many texts apologizing for my behavior since high school...
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
While I appreciate the pity sex (seriously, THANK YOU) we should not do it 3feet away from my ex when he's passed out next time. Awkward.
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
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