She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
I don't want to have to wonder if I'm draining my pasta in the same side of the sink you pissed in
besides im still about 80% sure that im eskimo brothers with jerry springer
Also, I'd like to add that that I'm not quitting my job, my boss fed me shots at 11 am this morning.
If I don't have carpet burn in the morning you aren't trying hard enough.
I cant believe they held hands while getting simultaneous bjs
He had seven beers and tap-danced on the table like a pro. HOW DOES HE DO IT
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
Like do you realize his dealer came out with a gun and we laughed like it was all just fun and games...
How much did you drink?
Enough to be hungover and still think roller coasters were a good idea
Our first order of business as new roommates was to test the sex acoustics of our rooms. I need a new box spring.
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
It was bitter sweet because I woke him up with sex but then I peed in his bed with him in it
I had fresh baked oatmeal cookies, tacos AND was on deck to give a stellar blow job. You'd think that'd be a win/win/win situation.
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