i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
Don't come here someone got drunk and rolled the keg to buger king. no more beeer
I'm so high, I forgot to harvest my farmville crops....noooooooo.
Worst stoner tragedy.
I am waking up at 7am to go to church with him and his family... I better get eaten out tonight.
I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again.
I just wanted to clarify that I am not bisexual and had no intentions of ACTUALLY penetrating my roommate with a can of bugspray.
He was president of his frat and had a clap on disco ball in his room... or course I slept with him
I cannot believe this. A potential 2016 Olympiad wants my vag. To which I respond "GO FOR THE GOLD"
you have to be that girl in the audience holding up the sign that says i fucked the shit out of you
It's sitting in bleach right now. You will be the creepiest coolest dude in my book if you made a bracelet from my tooth.
My dog got laid yesterday. Some lady came over with her husky to breed. He did it like a champ. I was so proud
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
It's like sleep walking but with blowjobs
How do you politely tell someone to get out of your house in Russian
I swear if you help me with this I will eat you out and buy you all the Taco Bell you want.
If God is analyzing my life right now extremely proud or dissapointed but either way I took wednesday night drinkin to new levels
Randomize
