Apparently he's never heard a queef, he totally thought I farted and got freaked out.
About me waking up with a tatto of a hamster with a top hat ?
hey.....beach week happens
Having him eat chocolate out of you is not as romantic as it sounds. I'm still finding pieces.
I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
You thought last year was bad... a guy dressed as a clown showed up with cocaine
What is the protocol for an "i'm sorry I had my ex retrieve me from the bar so I didn't drive drunk" blow job
They tried. Someone started to yell beer shower but he spun around and punched them in the mouth before they even finished saying beer. He's a fast little drunk.
I wore water proof eyeliner just incase the first picture of me of 2012 is a mugshot
Hey ask him if he likes swappy seconds
I got head this morning from the 31-year-old version of Jenn. It was like a blow job from the future while a simultaneous blast from the past for 10 minutes.
Just letting everyone know that I am still alive after last night. On a related note, this is the 15th "I'm not dead!" mass text I've sent. You've got to celebrate the little things.
Fuck you, I'm yelling at a mountain right now
I tried getting kicked out of my favorite bar. No matter what I did, I could do no wrong
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
we should get together and get drunk.
On a Monday?
don't discriminate against mondays.
Randomize
