I think your x's eyes are broken his new girl is so hit
I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
The night was doomed the minute I started taking shots with an apple as a chaser.
God forbid we drive unregistered mopeds without license plates on a pedestrians only sidewalk without goggles while flipping off passing cars.
I'm pretty sure the bus driver knew how hung over I was and hit all the pot holes on purpose. I threw up into my water bottle.
Why is the clock ticking so loud? Now I know how Captain Hook feels.
Seriously can I go through one convo where masturbating doesn't come up
I should get him a card "thanks for letting me use you for your penis on and off as I see fit and for being a nice guy. My boobs and I appreciate your loyalty and dedication"
Can you send me a picture of your dog? I might need to borrow him so I can wear a speedo to a pool party on Friday
Trust me. My dick only does selfies for you.
So there I was, eye fucking the waiter and I spilled beer all down my boobs
Like I could say no to two hot people already naked and fucking. Please. I'm not made of stone.
Twice?!
I'd give anything to be driving a pirate ship wearing nothing but a coconut bra and a grass skirt eating a pizza and watching dolphins jump in the waves. Dreams ya gotta have dreams
Just do what I do and listen to your vagina. She’ll growl when she smells good dick
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