I wish I could teleport
u sent me just one boob. one just doesnt do it for me. u dont get full on a half a rack of ribs u need a full one
I would like to apologize for asking to take advantage of you, wishing you a horny Hanukkah and whatever "abd ethw prnym to mzbe yur penis cna be friends" means.
Walking back from greek row alone at 3:30am in a child's kangaroo suit...not my proudest moment
I am three bowls, two beers, and a muscle relaxer into babysitting. What are you doing.
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
YOU CHEATED ON ME WITH THE WOMAN THAT IS STAYING AT YOUR HOUSE. FORGIVE ME IF IM NOT THINKING YOUR A DEDICATED BOYFRIEND.
it's always good to have a friend that's a hairdresser, a massage therapist, maybe throw in a lawyer just in case, and always have a friend on food stamps
Only you could make a stripper uncomfortable by eye fucking her too much.
Judging by his bulge. This guy is going home with me. Who doesn't want a dick that looks like it used to be a pillar in Rome.
I didn't know White Castle was open when your sober.
This is not the first time I've recognized my body is subconsciously trying to make pizza.
What'd I miss?
Erotic hypnosis and studded dog collars.
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
Randomize
