So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
i just drank a strangers drink off a toilet
So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
I wish I could get plan B off e-bay so it would be a secret and cheap.
No I'm not okay I had a crush on the singer of Tokio Hotel for four months and now you tell me he's a dude?
searching "dave" under the university of pittsburgh on facebook was not exactly how i hoped to find my baby daddy
All I got from that conversation with the officer was "blah blah blah, you're disgusting, blah blah blah, $500 fine, blah blah blah, be in court Tuesday."
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
Will you judge me if i do shots in my basement closet first? No? Okay good
Just be aware that next year I will probably try to seduce you to avoid going to the gym
I have a vague memory of you tryin to ride a unicycle through jimmy johns
I need a new pic for your contact id. Because your boobs popping up when I'm having dinner with my grandma or, ya know, when kids have my phone isn't so good.
I fell asleep masterbating while watching family guy... This is what happens when girl's night gets canceled
It's not that I even wanna fuck these guys anymore, just cuddle that's all. My conscience has never been so proud.
You haven't demanded nudes today. You alright?
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