we're drinking boxed wine and eating string cheese. It's like a wine tasting for poor people.
Oprah is sooooo fat. I can't even concentrate on Mackenzie Phillips talking about banging her dad
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
I'm sorry for coming into your work place and trying to smuggle you out in my purse.
Kill yourself wednesday started off with a bang, and im pretty sure im still drunk from tequila tuesday.
I mean, once you get beat with a dildo you can't look at someone the same
he was banged his ex for coke the whole time and is still the best guy so far this year. standards need to be raised.
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
Dude you were sitting in front of me eating uncooked bow tie pasta...
It makes no sense at first, you go with it, it's fun and entertaining and then a disaster
Finals week game: One shot for every psychological trauma I've been through that I have to explain in detail. Man I hate my major sometimes.
i put frozen meatballs in my drink thinking they were ice cubes and I'm vegetarian wtf
are you fucking roseanne barr in there?
she crossed my comfort zone...i thought i was a freak
said the guy with a pink sex swing...
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
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